est. 1983 and again in 1984

A quick reference to the Pixar film… More like a live action drama than any of its other animated films. Listening to “Married Life” from the wonderfully composed soundtrack by Giacchino.

I think about my life. What I wanted as a child. Did I want to be married? Did I want to be a doctor? Did I want children? Somewhere along the way I got confused and still am. I’m not sure if I ever dreamed of my wedding or my husband… I felt like I kind of just had to because that was part of life. Mind you I always liked boys and still do. I just never really desired married life… Why was it that up until ten I had it burned in my brain that I wanted to be a surgeon? I think I can blame my parents on that one. Or did I really want that? I can’t remember. And kids. I was always good with them, loved them, took care of them. I have a motherly instinct. It’s in me to be a nurturer but did I really ever want copies of me running around this Earth? I’m not sure.

I don’t know what I want out of this life. I’m not sure if I ever will. I’m never satisfied. Always stressing. Never happy really. Could this change? Doubtful. In my head I feel like I know what would make me happy but then I think that the root of the problems will never get solved so how is it that I can be happy? If this is the case then happiness is not in the cards for me. And I guess that’s fine. Or is it? Do I desire happiness or satisfaction? They are not one in the same.