Revolutionary Road

mila: I just finished watching the Sam Mendes film… For the last twenty minutes of it I cried and cried. It hit me like a ton of bricks. As the story unfolded I was connecting with it, slowly, until I realized I was just like her, or them. The ideology that we are greater than what we actually are or turn out to be. Feeling like you are going to be something in this world only to come to know that it isn’t at all what it dreamt. There is heartbreak in passion. To live in an non-ignorant manner is to live boldly. To seek some adventure and not really abide by the rules created by society. She said it. Who made these rules anyway? To get the courage to say, yes, let’s leave, go see the world, do what we always wanted to. That spoke to me. That is me. I want to leave. I stopped myself for years, seeking out jobs and money much like him. I cried like her and hoped for something more. Until I finally left. I did the thing she sought to do until she gave in and succumbed to her own demise. I started to cry because I knew, I got it, it was me and I understood it. The situation, that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. Floating, being lost, you can see it but you can’t get there. The world is making decisions for you, the right ones, the responsible ones, the sane choices. You lost yourself and you don’t know what to do. It’s a spinning cycle that only leads downward and deep. The abyss, she lost herself and I find myself toeing into that same lake. And besides her character, I connected to him. Not knowing what you want out of life or your career. Feeling the weight of responsibility and doing the smart thing and not getting caught up in a fantasy that you can do whatever you damn well please. Feeling that burst of bold and saying yes to opportunity only to realize that your parents wouldn’t do that. You give up yourself and live for others until the resentment seeps in and takes over. You make bad decisions and you know you shouldn’t but you do it anyway. You lie to yourself and then secretly admire the fact that you are doing something that society disapproves of, after all, you’ve taken a leap. The death was significant and necessary, the final note. The reality of life is a burden and when your eyes are open to it you can’t help but look at the world as just a little grayer than most.

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