The New Chapter

Ashley: I realize how cliche it sounds to start a blog with a title as cheesy as “The New Chapter.” And even more cliche to point that out. But I believe it’s appropriate. So bear with me.

As many of you know, I had my heart broken (Cue violins). My world had fallen apart, upon the decision he made. My love for him was paramount. A love that had no bounds. My love was real. My love was unfaltering, and my love was limitless. I seemed to love him so much it hurt, but so wonderful at the same time. He was my first love. I thought I could never change where he was concerned. I thought my life was over. ”How could I go on! How could I live with this rejection and pain? How could I bear the thought of ever moving on? I’m never going to date again! It’s not worth it.” Blah blah blah. I made every dramatic statement a girl can make in a despondent state. I seemed to build my personality and whole being on this heartbreak. ”Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t date! I’ve had my heart broken worse than any other soul on this entire earth!” It seemed to define me. Define everything I did. Hardships can do a number on the soul and can, at times, wreak havoc on your state of mind. But it also builds character as they say and Lord knows I’ve got plenty of that. But as I’m sure all of you who’ve had your heart broken at some point in your life realize “Oh. Lookie here, I’m still alive. I guess my life’s not over.” You get rid of certain paradigms and discover that things happen for a reason. And they ain’t so bad. And dare I say it, better than you ever thought and dare I go even further… Better than they were before?

I’ve come to realize that this person did me a major solid. I’m made of different stuff than when I began. I can love violently. Laugh uproariously. Cry pitifully and all at a moments notice turn on or off my emotional faucets. Don’t put me in a box. Don’t give me rules and limits or I’ll jump. Don’t tell me I can’t, ’cause I will.

I’ve been in a place I like. Or rather, returned to the flaming hermit that once burned inside me. I’m a loner in every sense of the word. I like being alone. I play video games until the wee hours of the morning and frankly, I like the least amount of human communication and connection as possible. I like going to see movies alone. I like eating at restaurants alone. So what. I don’t want anyone in this bubble to ruin that. I like it. Someone said to me that you have to like yourself to spend that much time alone and that people who hate to be alone don’t like themselves. So I guess that means I’m in love with myself. Hey, at least I don’t have self esteem issues.

A couple nights ago, I was hanging out with a friend. An older and wiser friend. And she said to me “Ashley, you are too young to be in this state. Now is the time to get out there and live a life of passion. Don’t waste your life away on a couch!” Hmm. I guess I’ve forgotten that I’m still young. This is the time to grab life by the horns, or rather drag those horns around on a wild ride.

So this is my new chapter and I invite you to join me. To get off the detour that I’ve been on, and back to the road less traveled as I’d always planned. I am setting out to find my passions. What turns me on. Not in a weird way, but what turns the porch light on upstairs. Whatever that may be. And I’m going to push through until I feel I’m living the passionate life that I was meant to. We place such a particular value on things we have to work so hard for and that value can never be substituted.

I’m in search of my Valentine. Or perhaps Valentines. I have a feeling I might find many. And I’m excited.

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