fuzzy tree

graduation.

In Baltimore. My good friend is graduating from the University of Maryland. I think these types of accomplishments are underrated these days. Sure, most of us working folk are college graduates but there’s a vast majority out there without degrees. That’s cool too. Whatever your life is, as long as you had a choice or even a chance for higher education, as long as that option was given then I don’t give a shit if you went or not. Sometimes it’s cool to hate on school, or even that you’re better off not having gone. I’m not sure how I can be objective on the matter since I also attended college and graduated with a degree. Overall, it probably doesn’t really matter; after all the great minds didn’t attend college- most even dropped out before high school. That’s cool. Everything is a choice I suppose. I think I’m just unveiling a pet peeve of mine- people who are insecure and make fun of stuff just because they don’t like it or didn’t do it. It’s weird.

My aversion to anything positive was tested. Speeches. I kinda hate em. Have to be honest right? I just think it’s funny and weird that everyone is subject to any one person’s perspective. But I learned something. move. That was the theme of the graduating class of 2012. My good friend’s band was even quoted,

I dare you to move.

I liked the idea of moving forward. Just keep moving. Keep achieving. Keep striving for more cause life doesn’t stop. Pretty basic- anything worth listening to is that simple. Also expressed was the idea behind work and having a job. I have long hated the idea of disliking what I did for a living. I never wanted to be that person depicted as the average American worker- slaving away from dawn to dusk and going home only to sit in front of the television. Yeah. Right. No thank you. Check please.

The most unassuming government official, John Berry, spoke to the class (and all the proud onlookers). The most important thing he said,

If you’re in a situation where you find yourself working for a bad person, walk away.

Regardless of position or money, nothing is worth that compromise. Yes. I loved that. The man in charge of human resources for our country told eager job seekers to quit under circumstances most deem normal. I respect it because that ought to be considered normal. It’s common sense. When a baby is unhappy (in whatever sense) he/she let’s everyone know. Kids are some of the most honest people I know. They don’t really do something unless they want to. I want adults to behave that way.

I cannot conclude this essay, I’m tired now.

2012: 05/20
CATEGORY: observations
travel
TAGS: best
cool
inspired
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mental.

psychiatry has got a bad rap. or is it rep? rap, rep, whichever, it has a bad one. Or maybe the millenials don’t see it that way. The way everyone before them saw it. Cast in such a dark, long, long shadow. The human brain, one’s mental state. Is it really all circuitry? Is everything really compartmentalized? Can chemistry really be relied on without any concrete evidence that would point to its existence?

questions. lead to more questions. I don’t get it, I don’t pretend to (okay, maybe I do pretend to), I want to get it but if I try or rather, when I try, it just leads right back to the start. Cyclical, round and round. How are thoughts formed? Opinions made…Feelings felt…Knowledge earned. Cyclical, round and round.

the electric charge that sets autonomy in motion, is it simply turned off upon death? what creates that vivacity, veracity and light in a someone? The soul. Maybe. Who knows what it is really. But we can all agree that it is something and that something is definitely gone when a person dies. Just vanishes. Like it was never there to begin with. Sort of maddening.

i don’t get it, I don’t pretend to- or do I? maybe.

2012: 05/11
CATEGORY: observations
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tide change.

lately, I have noticed the change in many relationships. Some, maybe even most, for the better yet there are a select few that have changed for the worse. I don’t know what it is. Maybe a series of events leads to the fruition of one or the destruction of another.
Personally, I am currently proud of myself for making strides in becoming a better communicator. I have truly come a long way in that department. And even though I should be feeling good right about now, I can’t help but want to fix the bad ones or the ones left unfinished.
I, as many of you, do not stand for any sort of disrespect. It’s just plain rude; grow a set of manners. I think it is weird when people talk down to you. Do they feel so little about themselves that they have to externalize and project it on you? I loathe this type of behavior. Life is too damn short to put up with this, let alone any, sort of bullshit. Sadly, like me, most of us just resign and put up with it because we figure life is as such. But inside of me a voice screams out,

Hell no! Your days are numbered. Don’t waste your time with these irrelevant issues.

So then I get stuck and can’t figure out how to proceed. How to communicate to a tall, stone wall?
Then there’s the kind with regret. You let time go by and death beat your move. This sort of thing leaves a gaping hole in your heart sometimes. Sure, time shrinks it a bit but the wound is still there and it still hurts. I wish I had seen and spoken to my friend Lee before he passed away. I feel sick thinking about how I didn’t even get to say goodbye. This one aches.
Then there’s the one that just won’t talk to you anymore. What is that really? How can someone who loved you just be perfectly fine not talking to you forever? I guess to some it makes sense but to me, it really doesn’t, at all. This is the part of me that says

I can fix anything!

but reality fights back and wins. I put my piece out there, I will wait for the reciprocation.
Relationships are ever evolving. They don’t stop changing. That’s pretty much a guarantee. The tides have changed and they will change once more.

2012: 05/02
CATEGORY: observations
TAGS: musings
relationships
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levon: part I.

the man, the myth, the legend. One of those people that is a true diamond in a very rough world. Born in Arkansas, Levon Helm retained that Southern drawl in an exceptional journey throughout the world of rock & roll. This story, I was not ready to tell, and will not be able to express everything I would ever wish to in order to do his legacy justice. But I will try.

I was maybe 18 or 19 when I first learned of The Band. I heard them through a boyfriend and our friends, his bandmates. They were instantly hooked while I slowly warmed up to these musical pioneers. I’m actually afraid to mention The Last Waltz because it was always a sensitive subject for Levon. But to the uninformed, that film was pretty epic. In the end, it touched many and that, I know, Levon would feel would be the only good that came of making that “documentary.” I know the stories behind the stories. I read This Wheel’s On Fire, Levon’s biography, and could not put it down. Talk about a great storyteller. There are very few that come to mind that I can say was a genuine storyteller; Levon was one of those rare few. I remember being folded up into a chair at their kitchen table, my laptop before me, my fingers tapping away furiously- trying to keep up with Levon’s electrifying tales.

When I was 20, I graduated from college, I got my first job, I lost my first job. I flew out to Woodstock, New York to live with my boyfriend, Levon and Sandy Helm. I don’t think many people can actually say that sentence. Actually, I’m pretty certain no one can. I had a unique experience, one of those “moon stories” I suppose.

I remember flying into Albany, New York, excited, tired and cold. I jumped into a dark Saab only to be greeted by a vibrant figure, Lee, smiling ear to ear, confirming my beauty and saying, “Welcome home.”

Home. We pulled onto a vast property enveloped by darkness and the sound of woodland creatures. I was told that “my loft” was ready and waiting for my arrival. And this was only the beginning…

2012: 05/01
CATEGORY: observations
TAGS: levon helm
love
music
new york
sandy helm
the band
woodstock
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civil war.

there’s a whole series of Civil War photographs that are animated to 3D. pretty cool.

2012: 04/24
CATEGORY: observations
TAGS: bizarre
cool
fun
historical
weird
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pepper.

I owe a note. A story maybe. There is a man named Pepper. He is a self-proclaimed mayor of Skid Row…This is normally not something you would go around proclaiming but he wears the badge proudly.

Pepper is from Marshalltown, Iowa. He had 8 sisters, and abusive alcoholic parents. A runaway, at the age of 15, Pepper hitchhiked across the country to get to Los Angeles. He has only lived in the heart of Downtown.

Pepper slang drugs for a while, was even married once, with one daughter. He does not keep in touch with any member of his family. I guess he likes it that way.

I just found out that Pepper is HIV positive. My heart shook with this news. He has been living with it since 2008. I have known him for a couple years and had no clue. I guess it was better that way.

Pepper is the only homeless person living on the 4th Street Bridge. Even the cops don’t bother him because he’s been around so long. It’s kind of weird in way he has a high-level of importance in this world. A world he likes to call Pepper’s World.

At 46 or 47 (even he can’t keep track) Pepper stays busy at an automotive repair shop on 6th and Gladys. He sells off found pieces of copper and is deep into recycling. He gets by just like the rest of us.

Last Sunday I took Pepper to the beach. This was the first time he saw the ocean. Imagine that. Living in Los Angeles for over thirty years and I got to take him to the water, to the very edge of our country for the first time in his entire life. It was memorable.